Advice to the Newly Diagnosed

It's nearly 10pm, and I am sitting here yet again in the throws of a sleepless night. I've been warned of these, yet I can't seem to find the right combination to magically fix this. Saying just that internally for the last few weeks, I realized the irony of my comments. I've been telling others for year - there is no magic fix - yet, like every human being, I have the unfortunate affliction of being human and not taking my own advice. So, instead of taking my own advice tonight, I'm going to put it out into the ether for those willing to listen.

I've spent the last 2 months wrestling with my new diagnosis. I read somewhere in an anonymous forum that the American people are obsessed with diagnoses - more often than not, according to this anonymous poster, a person would seek out and search for a diagnosis to categorize themselves, missing the treatment of symptoms altogether. I can't say that I disagree with this anon; humans like labels as a matter of evolution and survival - we have a primal need to belong and to understand. To name a thing is to claim knowledge of that thing, or so they say, so why wouldn't humans want to have names and labels to cling to?

The point, dear readers, was not that a label is harmful or unnecessary, but that often we overlook treatable symptoms when searching for the magical answer that will make you whole life fall into line. Dearest reader, I will now burst that bubble as tenderly as possible. Our mental state can be, in its most basic form, broken down into 2 foundational factors: nature and nurture. While part of your mental health relies on your wiring, your coding if you will, the rest relies on the environment in which you live - both physically and mentally. Stressors that become present later in life might be the catalyst that causes your brain to project voices or push your depression over the deep end. It is never just one thing, and balancing between your genetics and your environment is tricky. As a newly diagnosed, newly on "the path to freedom" patient, it's important to have patience - something I clearly lack tonight. However, this nightly burst of energy has given me the time and focus to put this down to paper - my advice to myself and anyone like me.

1 - It is okay to slow down, like, way down.
If you are bipolar like me (or know someone who is), you may also have trouble letting go of your productive mania, like me. My S.O. will comment from time to time that, he's "glad I stopped doing so much" or that my over-activity "caught up with me" - These couldn't be farther from the truth. I thrive when I have to multitask, I relish in the pressure of deadlines and deliverables - or, at least, I did when I was in a bought of mania. Now that I'm learning to be stable, I have to let go of so many things that bring me joy - hobbies, group commitments, ambitions. The fear of never getting to do them again lingers like a cloud heavy with rain, threatening to spill over any minute. On particularly bad days, I feel like I'm giving up pieces of myself by saying "no" to that activity or stepping back from plans.

But - if I would listen to my own advice - I would tell myself that it is okay to step back. I have plenty of time in my life to come back to things that make my happy later on, but my energy is finite resource these days, and it is okay to ration it appropriately.

2 - It's a long road, but there are checkpoints along the way
The other deflating notion about my new diagnosis is that I will battle this dragon for life. Even now, when my depression is at bay and I feel fine in the world, I must maintain constant vigilance. As my psychiatrist put it, "If you have high blood pressure, you take medication to bring it down. Once the blood pressure is where you want it to be, you don't stop taking the medicine, else your pressure goes back up". Likewise, once my depressive symptoms stop, I can't just say jolly good and nix the pills - I will be in a cycle of adjustment for years to come. While I am on this journey, I will be modifying a whole host of behaviors that once brought me joy - limiting shopping sprees, no alcohol, no night time activities after 7pm. The road feels impossibly long and full of perils. At times, I want to swerve off of it.

But - if I would listen to my own advice - I would tell myself that this is all temporary. That, although the road may seem long, years pass by quicker than you think, and even though you are not able to indulge yourself today doesn't mean you will not get there. You will cross those thresholds and learn how to have 1 beer, and then 2. You will learn the warning signs of mania-induced shopping sprees and keep your spending in line. You will persevere.

3. And, at the end of the day, you're still steering the car.
Something my psychiatrist told me this time around made all the difference - see about 2 years ago, I was working with a different set of clinicians and doctors, and my symptoms were taking over my life so I knew I needed something to make them stop. At the time, I was new to the world of psychoses, and against my own judgment I let the doctor I was seeing at the time give me a total of 5 different prescriptions, each to treat symptoms from the last. This is, unfortunately, every patient's nightmare, and the whole situation left me with a sour taste in my mouth for any kind of medical help. So - when the symptoms came back around, I waited until I was near hospitalization to seek the help I needed. In the first session, like all decent psychiatrists, my doctor let me speak about my symptoms and past treatment history - he didn't try to correct my self-deprecating humor or belittle me for jumping off my medication before. After getting everything off my chest, my psychiatrist nodded, recommended some starting treatments, and then looked me in eye to tell me this: "You know... myself, your therapist, your family and friends - we are all on team Rachel. But you - you are the captain of the team. I'll give you my honest medical opinion, but you call the plays."

So, this one I did take my own advice, to some extent. While I still feel impotent at times, having the right combination for my "team" has given me the confidence to take control of my health outcomes. If I don't like a side effect, I write it down to discuss it at my next appointment. If I think my dosage is too high, or more realistically, too low right now, I'll clearly communicate that. The power of control of your own life is uplifting, and often I feel better just knowing that I have that control back, the same control this disease robbed me of.


I would feel remiss to close this post without offering some meaningful, actionable advice. What I've written above reads more as a lamentation of my current woes, but I'd like to helpful if I might. So - with the helpful spirit in mind, here is my advice on things you can actually do rather simply:

• Routine is key - find one that works for your "must haves" in life (work, school, family, etc.) and set about making it a habit - remember, it takes somewhere around 90 days to form a new habit.
• Don't lie or overplay your symptoms. It's human nature for many of us to ignore or sometimes amplify our symptoms because we think that it's what people want to hear - don't fall into that trap, especially with your doctor. It's okay to be in crisis, and it's okay to be "okay". Doesn't diminish your struggle one bit.
• Physical health is important, too - there's so many reasons why eating balanced meals, sleeping, and mild exercise can impact your mental health, but I'll explain it simply. When your base needs (food, shelter, sleep) are met, your body and brain have time and energy to work on your higher level needs.
• Focus on one area to improve at a time. I don't know about you, dear reader, but I've gained nearly 20 pounds in 2 months. There's a part of me that wants to focus on dieting and complex exercise routines, but in reality it's enough just to focus on staying positive and meeting all of my work obligations. Once I have my routine better ingrained, then it will be time to move on to adding fitness to the mix, but it's okay to be just "okay" for now.
• Celebrate your triumphs, no matter how small. Tell yourself you're awesome for getting out of bed. Darn right you brushed your teeth! You go girl with the freshly washed hair. Sometimes the little things deserve praise. Come to terms with the state of "okay" - joy and elation are not the opposite of depression. Being "okay" and just making due each day with the basics (cleanliness, work or school, required tasks, etc.) is fantastic. 

With those tips, I am not under any illusions that I've laid down earth-shattering news to anyone. However, I hope hearing it once more from a fellow sufferer helps you be at ease with your change in life. Until next time~

The new life of the lost and found

I haven’t touched this blog in years, so it’s a bit of a revival. I’ve been thrust into life change, and have been left wanting to talk about it.... so perhaps this will be cathartic for me (and hopefully helpful or at least entertaining to you, dear reader).

I have Bipolar Disorder. This is a label I've been fighting against for a year, with little success I might add. You want the honest truth? It makes me feel angry at my own brain chemistry, my life now permanently branded with this unending rift. I am sensible and logical, so I know that I will be fine if I keep going on this path, but my irrationality prevails as of late, and I am succumb to the grief of a life not lived - a life without a bedtime that is positively geriatric, a life without wondering if my ambition is pure or tainted by mania, a life without carrying around the chance that I might end up like my cousin one day, simply put - a life.

I am at work at the moment, though these days my physical presence here means little in the way of what I accomplish. I have stretched 6 hours' worth of work to make 40 hours pass, and I feel a looming doomsday coming, the day my charade is no longer accepted. Instead of thinking about projects and reports, I linger in the twilight mood, obsessed with what is, what was, and what never will be. Today, my thoughts shift uncomfortably between the pleasant reassurance of carefully planned routine, and the violent frustration of unwanted discipline that ebbs quietly in the back of my mind. By no request of my own, I am relegated to the nightly routine that is medication, meditation, and sleep. It's unending, unyielding, and misunderstood. My friends and colleagues scoff at my requests to end things by 7, else I lose an entire day following. They believe it is arbitrary, bendable. They think me a crabby old hermit, when the truth is I bask in the light of their friendship and wish nothing more to resume our late night coffee dates, only to be thwarted by my own health (or lack thereof). Missing birthdays, parties, celebrations - one might assume I do not share my compatriots' joy or adulation; I fear for the moment of accusation. Truth be told, part of my mind bucks against the idea of abandoning the comfort that is my blanket, pajamas, and popcorn - but... I can't seem to survey the size of that part. Am I changing? or am I just under the influence of my malignant self?

Flowery prose aside, I am left with 2 constants in my life. First, I now question every motive, every driving factor that tells me to do anything. I can never trust myself again to be excited, lethargic, motivated, or depressed without wondering if I’m being authentic. Second, the rest of life, for better or worse, must take a backseat to my journey. This is the finality of finding help, the punishment for not being able to “hack it” on my own. I have to keep going, though. As many are quick to tell me, my health comes first. However, no one said I can’t be salty about it.

New year, New projects!

First of all, sorry for the lack of posts. It's been a rough year without much time for costuming. On the bright side my schooling is going fantastic! On the bad side, there is just so much I haven't done!

Updates!
I have YET to start my Ezio costume for Baron Babbles, though he's not forgotten and pointed this out to me almost every week. This laziness ends this year. I want him to have something awesome to wear for RenFest this year, and I feel like I can't feel good about my stuff unless he has something too. Plans are in the works for this as we speak, stay tuned for the beginning baby steps of this.

I have decided that I am ready to start a new costume for myself. I'll probably wait until after this season to really get it going so I have plenty time to draft my pattern. I'll probably begin posting about this around August or September. I'm just so excited for this, though, because I really am ready for the next step.

Right now I have a few extra projects I'm working on. I'm trying to become well rounded in costuming, and so I'm currently trying a few different small projects to get my feet wet. Honestly, probably the best advice I could give anyone going through the same thing I am is practice, practice, practice!! So I am undertaking a few little side projects to help me hone my skills! As always, I will update the blog with updats on the process.

Fox Tails - Yay!
One of my favorite things to do when in character at the faire is to swish or pet my fox tails. I have 3 currently that are fabulously fluffy, and I usually drape them over my arm and pet them as I snear at the commoners (I never said I was a nice noble ^^). When I'm not being noble, I'm usually wearing them as a tail and feeling quite frisky. They're really great fun overall, so I decided to try to make my own.

I'm starting ambitious - I'm making a (roughly) 2.5ft long tail with about a 3 inch... er... pull? I can't remember the right word for it. But it's roughly 3 inches plus the core in diameter, meaning it's super fluffy. I'm making it all out of yarn, and am trying to blend several colors together to make it realistic as possible. I've been working on this on and off for about a month or two (VERY SLOWLY), and I'm ready to be done!!

Step 1 - Planning and Prep:
If you know me at all yet, you know I'm about a gajillion percent preparation when it comes to projects. It's easy to do while I'm on break at work or at home while I'm putzing around the web, and it makes it so much easier to actually get things done later. For this project, I did a fair amount of research, and I feel pretty confident about the whole thing. The one thing I didn't fully grasp when watching videos online is that this project takes FUREVER (ha! ... get it... FUR...Ever.... Yeah okay). It's INSANE amounts of labor - it's not hard or difficult for the most part, it's just time consuming.

My plans includ a tail of some kind that I can wear (for when I'm feeling frisky), that still is realistic looking and feeling. I need to have a rigid shape to some of it, but I want to retain as much fluidity and natural movement as possible.

• Youtube - Just search Yarn Tails in youtube, and you'll find a million different tutorials about this. The one I followed closely was Cosplay Creep's video - I preferred her method of sewing the "fluffs" rather than tying them on. I think this will blend better.
• Forums - In case you're new to the internet, there are people called Furries out there - similar to Cosplayers or Rennies, Furries enjoy costuming and taking on a persona, though their personas are, as you may have guessed, animals. Since most Furries need tails, there's a ton of forums out there discussing in detail how to correctly assemble all kinds of tails.

My goal is to complete this tail using some kind of rigid core in key areas, keeping the other parts... well, flacid (-snicker-) to allow for the realistic movement. I'm not sure what I want to use as a core - maybe wire, maybe fabric stabilizer, maybe glue sticks - who knows??

Step 2 - Brush, Brush, and Brush Again:
So.... Yeah. This is the hard part, and I completely understand why people hate doing these on commission. This is intense! If you're too lazy to watch the youtube tutorials, the basic idea is this: get a bunch of strings of yarn the length you want, and tie a knot in the middle to keep 'em in place. Now brush. Brush brush brush. Brush until the yarny bits look like fluffs of fur. Do this for all 800,000,000 fluffs. Then, flat iron them all and brush once more.

Needless to say I'm still in the brush phase - I've planned out some of the coloring and blending, so it's just implementing. Pictures will follow!!

Project 1: French Hoods - Part 2

I thought the battle was complete once I wrestled the wire onto the base. I was dead wrong. In theory, this is the easiest part of the hood - just sewing the outer fabric together and putting it on. If I had decided to be period correct and used hand-sewing, it probably would have been. But no. I decided to be lazy and use the machine. Too bad my machine had other plans for the night that included fighting with me for several hours.

I'd like to take a second right here to interject that I blame my malfunctioning machine for my lack of enthusiasm to actually create anything. The truth is, the machine only fights with me because I do not know how to properly use it. Furthermore, when I actually do get it running, my stitches do not follow the edge of the fabric, and usually go in crazy places. So, to be fair to my lovely Singer, the fault is my own. That being said, I still believe my machine purposely sabotaged my efforts to complete this project.

I decided to pick a burgundy silk for the hood - it would have been lovely to match the same embroidered pattern as my gown, but I was able to find a raised diamond embroidery instead. The color match is perfect, and the additional design adds a little interest to the piece, I think. The back fabric was originally planned as a matte black satin or silk, but in my excitement at finding the burgundy silk, I forgot to purchase any. So instead, I used a black satin with an embroidered design that resembles my gown's design. I think it worked out pretty well in the end.

I apologize for the lack of photos. I was, actually, quite embarrassed at my work. The inside looks horrid - the stitches are not even or straight, and I still wrestled with the machine, producing lumps in some areas. However, once I turned the fabric right-side out and got the base in there, it looks pretty good! So alas, the pictures I have are of the (semi) finished product.

That horrible crease!! Now I know better than to cut in the middle - that or steam out any creases. Hopefully it's not too late! I think I did a pretty good job of getting the design straight. It's a little off to the left, but otherwise not too shabby!

Here's the back side - the design looks very similar to my gown, and I guess it worked out because it adds a little interest to the back, too!

I'm still playing around with ideas on how to attach the hood to my head  - comb? ribbon ties? hot glue? Only time will tell. But, at least I'm almost done with this project!!

Project 1: French Hoods

First of all, I apologize for starting this project without you. I technically started yesterday, and failed to capture any pictures of the first parts. Thankfully, I got maybe half an hour into the project when I was lured away by a hot breakfast cooked by Baron Babbles, aka, Hubby. As this post is still halfway under construction, I'll add the remaining steps and photos later this week.

Overview of the Project & Research:
The project is quite simple; I have a tudor-style gown that is in desperate need of matching headwear. While I have made due with a lovely piece purchased from the Anne Boleyn Files, I really do not feel complete until I have a perfect matching hood. Being this is my first serious foray into seamstress territory, I am very, very apprehensive. In fact, I expect this shall turn into a horrid mess that I will never wear. But! Sewing is not for the faint of heart!

The patterns I am using come from a mixture of places. I am not all that confident in my craftsmanship, so I am combining what seems to be the easiest of patterns. I started with a pattern from the Elizabethan Costume page (a FABULOUS resource page that I have often visited just to read). I also viewed as many other sources as possible, hoping to find golden nuggets of tips to help me. Here is a list of sites that I referenced heavily during the planning stages:

• For the underlying hairstyle and ideas for attaching the hood: Lynn McMaster's - An alternate construction for French Hoods
• For general construction step-by-step guide: Kate Dicey's Making a French Hood
• Pattern for the hood (1545 version): Elizabethan Costume Page

So here's the game plan: I will construct a french hood (using the 1545 pattern) with fabric to match my gown in burgundy red slub silk, trimmed with matching billiments (Project 2). I plan to use a combination of hair combs and braiding my hair to hold the hood on my head, and I am still undecided on the veil. The due date for this project shall be Friday, October 26th - what a short time away!

Step 1: Planning, Pattern, and Supplies:
Coming from my science-y background, I'm the kind of person to plan everything to a T. This project, however, has sort of just come together despite my knack for planning. To my credit, though, when I originally thought about doing this, I purchased a yard of the fabric of my dress from an online retailer. The fabric has since gone out of stock, so how lucky am I? Apparently... Not that lucky. After 2 moves, I have misplaced said fabric. Now I face the arduous task of finding a suitable fabric in a relatively short time period. Thankfully, I live right down the street from Jo-Ann's, and cleaned up shop yesterday thanks to a lovely sale. The fabric I purchased matches the coloring of my dress, but the embroidered pattern is a large diamond instead of something floral. I hope it's not too contrasting with my dress...

I also used a black embroidered satin for the back of the hood - purely by mistake as I forgot to buy a different fabric for the back, and had this lying around. I bought the last 1 3/4 yards, so I should still be safe if I need it for other projects. Lastly, I picked up a sheer satin to use for the veil, if I decide to do that.

Step 2: The Base:
For the base of the hood, I originally planned to follow in the steps of Kate Dicey, using Timtex instead of buckram. To be honest, I'm still not entirely sure what buckram looks like, and after many confused looks received from staff at local craft stores, I almost gave up on the idea. I found some reasonably priced Timtex online through Amazon, but luck evaded me once again, and the shipment was lost at sea (or... rather, the sea of boxes at the UPS facility). I finally settled on a heavy interfacing. Because I'm planning to add plenty of heavy trim, I decided to double up on the interfacing, using a whip stitch to get them together. I used regular black thread, and must say I got quite annoyed at tangles. Next time, I plan on using silk thread or some beeswax to help keep the thread in line (pardon the pun).

The 2 layers of interfacing whip-stitched together

Stitching is not my forte. It's something I really need more patience to do, especially since I have this idea that someday I'll make wonderful costumes. Then you add trying to blanket stitch wire onto a curved frame, and I go a little nuts.To the right are examples of what NOT to do in terms of stitching. Marvel at the horribly uneven spacing! Cringe at the puckering and tangled thread! Although, to my credit, they did get more even as I got the hang of the wire. Note that the corners are a little crazy - I went mad making sure the wire stayed in place. I also opted for an extra strength thread designed for outdoor upholstery. It was quite fabulous, actually. It didn't tangle and seemed very sturdy. I am quite enamored with this thread at the moment, and will probably use it forever.

Note the horrible stitching.

Crazy Corners

The finished base with wire - curved to show the shape. Ignore the mess that is my dining room table.

 The rest of this project will be completed in a later post~ Stay tuned!!

And So It Begins

After many years of admiring costumers online, I have decided to join their ranks. This is the first post of many as I journey through Tudor and Elizabethan costuming, dotted with random articles about life as a college student in general. I cannot guarantee that I will write often, but having a spot to place my babbles will encourage me to grow.

My skill level is somewhere between extremely poor and dear lord why is she even trying. I have the most grandiose plans in my head of dresses and trims and hats, but mostly they just fail to come to fruition. The most success I have had so far is in jewelry making for my costume, and will gladly offer my services to anyone through my Etsy store or by email. That being said, I find it extremely frustrating that nothing I dream of works, and make it my mission to learn the tricks of the trade in both jewelry making and costuming.

Previous attempts at costuming include trying to make my own 12th century surcoat. The result was too think in some sections and way too long. The slits on the side were not as long as pictured, and I gave up halfway through trying to make the trim. I lament this experiment because I thoroughly failed - it does not matter that it wasn't perfect, but I didn't even complete it. And of course, now my preferred style is much more complicated than that. Thankfully, however, I already have a headstart.

Thanks to the wonderful hands at Very Merry Seamstress, I have a gorgeous gown inspired by the famous portrait of Elizabeth I. The gown itself is deep red silk embroidered with a leave/scroll motif. The underskirt and sleeves are gold brocade. I have also purchased a French Hood separately that doesn't quite match (this is my next project!) and have slowly been adding to my costume year after year.

Most of my additions come around this time of year - October and November - due to the Texas Renaissance Festival. I have been too shy to join a local SCA group (more on this story later), so for now, this is my only occasion to wear my garb. I average 4 or 5 weekends (8 total), and enjoy simply walking around. I am still perfecting my expressions and speech, but I am very optimistic about this year. The festival has already begun, yet I have not been. My first weekend will more than likely be in 2 weeks, which is the pirate themed, so I will wear my pirate style garb. The following weekend will be my debut of my additions to my dress, so I have a firm timeline to complete my projects!

This year I am working on the following additions before October 27th - beaded trim for my dress to match a previously purchased girdle belt, a matching french hood, and finally perfecting my speech! I shall post updates of each project as I complete them, but for now, welcome to my journey!